graveexcitement | Entries tagged with trans stuff

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i've been on T for 10 weeks and it's going well! my voice started to deepen around like, 6-7 weeks in, and has continued to do so. i'm excited to see how deep it will get! also my eyebrows might be thickening slightly? not sure

other effects under the cut for slight tmi

( tmi )

in other news, it's been summer break for a month and a half, my sleep schedule has reverted to nocturnal (ie. going to sleep somewhere around 5-7am and sleeping until 1-3pm), and i feel unfulfilled because i'm not, like, doing anything and my days have no structure. but i am hanging out a lot with friends so that's all right.

i will be starting a summer class in about 10 days, so at least then i'll have structure again. the course is on Philosophy of Law, as i needed a course with an ethics flag and it seemed interesting.

hope y'all's summers are going well! and we still have a few hours left of june, so: happy pride!

here's my quarterly life updates post!

i had to drop my japanese class this spring semester. so i'm retaking it now as a 5-week summer class; next week is the last week. it's every day at 9am on zoom. so, i didn't relish becoming diurnal for a month, but it's worked out pretty well so far.

this class has kind of taken up most of my brainspace, though. i was hoping to get some more writing done and just... nope. i was hoping to decide whether i wanted to take steps toward going on T, and i was hovering on the edge of that when the class started and that concept just got shoved aside.

i did, however, receive a skirt i ordered from Maya Kern back in March, and i fell in love. i hadn't worn a skirt since like seventh grade; back then it just felt kind of vaguely uncomfortable and not-like-me. but sometime in the last like 6 months i started noticing my attention being drawn to boys wearing skirts, in a gender-feelings/gender-envy way, so i decided to experiment. i was worried that it would give me dysphoria, in a similar way that men with long hair give me gender envy but i feel a little bleh when my own hair starts getting long, but that worry proved untrue.

so ya, i love skirts now and have acquired two more (this time from Fresh Hot Flavors.) they're all long ("midi" length) skirts, so they fall down to a bit above my ankles, which is super comfy; i like how i can still sit criss-cross-applesauce without worrying about flashing anyone (tho i've taken a tip from a friend and am wearing pajama shorts underneath anyways), and even can keep many of my gremlin poses appropriate. it kind of feels like a blanket for my legs, which is only occasionally a tad too hot (these are not designed for Texas summer, but i still walk out to the mailbox in them anyway). also they all have super deep pockets :3

also i love them like, sensorily? from a sensory perspective? the swish of the fabric against my legs is really, really nice. pretty much the only time they're a hassle is when lying in bed, they get kind of tangled there.

they also like... help me feel cute, fashion-wise, even if i don't have anything to wear them with (so i've just traded my "t-shirt + shorts/jeans" for "t-shirt + long skirt," lol.) it's like... it definitely isn't fashionable! but it doesn't feel boring like most of my wardrobe does. (most of my wardrobe is selected for comfortable clothes! which isn't bad but the skirts are comfy and flowy fabric and colorful / neat patterns / etc.)

i think that's all of my skirt thoughts. on to exchanges for a moment; i keep thinking i want to actually sign up for fffx this year, and i had a ton of fun with ficinabox last year, but -- possibly because my brainspace is taken up by my japanese class -- i just haven't felt motivated to sign up for the former or submit nominations for the latter (granted, if i don't nominate for FIAB i'll probably be fine as my favorite fandoms were transferred over from last year's tagset.)

also the crossworks deadline is fast approaching. i've got a week, but it'll hit right after my japanese class concludes, which might have been ok except that's also around when my cousin's driving down to visit; ideally i could finish it this weekend instead... i just need to get into like... the headspace of these fandoms? rather than the daydream universe i've been floating in in the last week or two

ok, that's enough rambling for now. hope y'all are doing well!

just gonna ramble about some general life updates and thoughts

the spring semester was kind of a shitshow; ended up dropping one class (which i'll retake in the second summer session, which starts mid-july) but thankfully making As in the others. (maybe i'll actually have dragged myself out of academic probation?)

it sucked but it also feels far away now, since it's been 3 weeks since i turned in my last assignment. a lot of my last 3 weeks have been writing a lot of exchange fics (like... 6?? 2 were drabbles but still, 4 fics in the 1k-3k wordcount range is a lot more than i usually do in a month (i wrote nothing in April, lol.)

also i may try to do the June Something posting meme (kind of like Snowflake Challenge, which i historically have completely failed at, but who knows.)

hmm... media.

after watching Star Wars: Clone Wars last year, my parents and i moved on to Star Wars Rebels, which we finished pretty much in time for The Bad Batch to start airing. i liked Rebels, though i didn't like the ending that much. Bad Batch is cute i guess tho i'm not particularly invested.

my parents and my sister and i are watching Shadow & Bone, one episode a week. i read the first grishaverse book back when it was new and remember very little about it; i am enjoying the show tho, especially the Six of Crows characters, so after we finish the show i may read the books.

i'm watching Legend of Korra with my brother, at his request. we're partway into season 3 and it's fun! i watched season 1 when it first came out but didn't watch anything beyond that, so the rest is new to me. brother has seen it before, we're just continuing our tradition of "making the other one experience media we like by experiencing it with them." i wonder if we'll ever decide to consume a media together that neither of us has experienced yet? ...somehow i don't think so.

i've been reading The King's Avatar off and on since like. fucking february. i'm like 2/3rds of the way through. this is SO FUCKING LONG. i do enjoy it but jesus fucking christ. it's like 2.5 to 3 million words. for comparison, ASOIAF is currently 1.75m and The Expanse is 1.33m. but i swear i could read The Expanse two or three times in like a month, while it's taken me three to get through two thirds of TKA. and i would want to do those rereads! whereas i don't think i'll ever reread TKA, not in full. i do still enjoy it but knowing that i still have like a million words left is kind of dragging on my motivation to keep going.

i've gotten into Hollow Knight again and it's pleasing to see how much i've improved! i have gotten all but one achievement, which requires beating the intimidating Pantheon of Hallownest.

other than that... thinking about taking steps to get on testosterone. don't really have the energy to unpack it rn. just feels like i've been thinking about it for like 8+ months and i don't know whether i can achieve the certainty i want in my decision before actually making the decision. based on my past history of trans decisions, i only truly achieve certainty and rid myself of doubt after doing the thing. mmh. a subject for when i'm less tired.

in 2 weeks my cousins will be visiting! first time i've seen them in person since christmas 2019. and then end of june my best friend will also be coming to visit! v excited for both of these

ok, it's nearly 4am so i should sleep. o/

today's mood is: desperately wanting to be masculine and gay*, but feeling alienated by a (objectively quite nice) photoset showcasing the intimacy of queer cis men

like, i want that, i want to be that, i can't imagine being that. i want to be masc but i can't imagine it. there's this canyon between me and the masculinity i crave and i don't know how to cross it; and at the end of the day i don't even want to be a cis guy myself. i crave masculinity but i don't want to be like, A Traditionally Masculine Dude. like god imagine a stranger looking at me and thinking i'm straight. no thanks dude.

*i'm pan but with a preference for dudes and sometimes when i'm having Gender Feelings that preference is amped up to 11

anyways i've been thinking about potentially taking steps to go on T. been thinking about it for months. i think the effect i'm most on the fence about is facial hair; sometimes i think i might like it but i'm not sure. most other effects i feel positively about (or am willing to put up with, like increased oiliness and acne bc second puberty). so... idk. am thinking about it!

but i should probably shelve those thoughts for now and do my assigned readings for class tomorrow :p

on friday i went in to get my name updated at my university — it doesn’t update everything (anything that needs a legal name still uses my legal name, like my transcript and diploma), but class rosters and online services and all that all have my chosen name now. i was expecting it to take longer, but Sunday i happened to check stuff and realized it was already updated! so yesterday i got a new student ID (free of charge) w/ my new name — which is also a relief bc my old student ID kept giving errors when i swiped it on the bus.

i used the boost of coming-out motivation to come out to one of my close friends — the only one i wasn’t out to yet, and only because i had let the Awkwardness of “i haven’t done it yet oof” build up for the last few yrs. she was chill about it. and then yesterday i reconnected with an old friend i hadn’t seen much over the last 3 yrs and came out to her as well, and she was also chill. (she actually knew pronouns but hadn’t been updated on name yet, it turned out.)

so now like, all the friends i consider myself close to know; anyone else can learn on Facebook in a few months. and my name’s updated at my school too.

and it is glorious. i feel free. i feel alive, and hopeful for the future. thinking about my future.

i came out to my immediate family in July last year, so it’s been about seven months. in that time, my immediate family has gotten really good at using the right name. pronouns are still hit or miss (from my parents anyways; siblings are better) but i expect they’ll get better with time. and also the name thing feels so so good.

next month my paternal grandma and aunt may be visiting. if they do, i’ll come out then; similarly to when my mom’s side of the family visited at christmas, i don’t want my immediate family to go back to using my old name just to preserve the closet. my aunt has expressed support of a trans student of hers in the past, so i think she’ll be cool. i don’t know about my grandma, but even if she’s disapproving... the entire rest of my family supports me. and i am just... really thankful for that right now.

i always felt like my gender dysphoria was mostly about my chest, and that i got gender euphoria from ppl using the correct name/pronouns. and that’s probably mostly accurate, but... ever since i came out to more and more people, the impact of the chest dysphoria was less and less. i still want top surgery but i only occasionally wear a binder because ik long term use isn’t great and i don’t feel the need to bind, usually.

so, i’m not sure anymore. did i have social dysphoria after all, an invisible burden that has since lifted and left me feeling so so light? did the easing of the social dysphoria also ease the chest dysphoria? or is the gender euphoria just boosting my mental health generally, which also means i’m feeling less dysphoric? i don’t know but it’s a wonderful feeling.

for the last week we've had family visiting (my uncle and cousins), and it's been great. i came out as trans to them when they got here (and my grandma a few days before that) and it went great! i love having them call me by my chosen name, and it also meant my immediately family wouldn't have to go back to calling me the old name for closet's sake. it's a big joy, to be so immediately accepted. this means i'm now out to everyone on my mom's side of the family! :D

on my dad's side, there's just my aunt, my paternal grandma, and some extended family i see rarely enough that i'm not concerned with their reactions. my aunt has actually spoken positively about a trans student of hers in the past, but idk about my grandma. she doesn't really... talk about anything political? but she (& the rest of my dad's side) also live out in Alabama, so idk. but i don't see them nearly as often as my mom's side of the family (see also: Alabama), so i'm already quite satisfied.

(also i think my older cousin's mind was slightly blown when he learned that our grandma was Totally Cool With It, like immediately.)

we played quite a few board games while here, as per usual, but we also all watched The Mandalorian together bc my uncle got disney+ for christmas, and my older cousin ran a D&D one-shot! which looked like this:

my older cousin (he's a decade older than me) DMed
my grandma: half-elf sorcerer
my dad: drow arcane trickster rogue
my uncle: human life cleric
my cousin (1 yr older than me): half-elf hexblade warlock
my brother: dragonborn paladin
me: halfling assassin rogue

so my dad and i both played rogues! it was fun. grandma had a little trouble keeping the rules straight sometimes but she was very enthusiastic. (she's a big board gamer as well, so this isn't that out of left field.) haven't gotten to play much tabletop rpgs recently, so this was nice :3

for christmas my older cousin gave me the Mistborn trilogy and my similar-age cousin gave me 2 more fantasy books, which on top of the books i got from my immediate family, means i have a lot of books. i'll have to try and read them all instead of getting distracted!

i also bought a few games in the steam winter sale: cultist simulator, tacoma, and analogue: a hate story. now that my cousins have gone (left this morning), i may have a chance to actually play them! especially since my brother's been hogging the switch playing Shovel Knight, so i can't play Hollow Knight :c tho i did enjoy playing a good deal of Stardew with my similar-age cousin.

i signed up for Get Your Words Out for the third year now -- doing the 75k pledge again; maybe i'll get closer to my goal this year! i also want to do the snowflake challenge, so watch for that later today.

hope y'all had/are having happy holidays!

about a week ago, my hollow knight obsession met the obstacle of a boss fight i'm stuck on (Traitor Lord), but! my brother finally came back to playing zero escape, so most of my game time has been watching him play. a few highlights:

"have any of y’all uncultured fucks played zero escape?” — my brother to his friends

the rest are spoilery: ( virtue's last reward spoilers )

he finished Virtue's Last Reward yesterday and has played like, the very first scene of Zero Time Dilemma, haha.

did last minute christmas shopping yesterday; found stuff for all the family members who will actually be here on christmas itself (several more will be arriving on the 28th, and i don't have their stuff yet but i'll either order it or go shopping again on thursday.)

speaking of extended family members, i'm gonna come out as trans to my grandma tomorrow and the others when they arrive later this week. because now that i'm out to my immediate family and they call me the right name most of the time, i no longer want to be closeted in my own house. so that'll be a little awkward/stressful, but it had to happen eventually. might as well be now.

also. seeing presents addressed to my new name has made me unbelievably happy. the euphoria makes up for any stress. (fingers crossed lmao)