trans euphoria

[graveexcitement]

on friday i went in to get my name updated at my university — it doesn’t update everything (anything that needs a legal name still uses my legal name, like my transcript and diploma), but class rosters and online services and all that all have my chosen name now. i was expecting it to take longer, but Sunday i happened to check stuff and realized it was already updated! so yesterday i got a new student ID (free of charge) w/ my new name — which is also a relief bc my old student ID kept giving errors when i swiped it on the bus.

i used the boost of coming-out motivation to come out to one of my close friends — the only one i wasn’t out to yet, and only because i had let the Awkwardness of “i haven’t done it yet oof” build up for the last few yrs. she was chill about it. and then yesterday i reconnected with an old friend i hadn’t seen much over the last 3 yrs and came out to her as well, and she was also chill. (she actually knew pronouns but hadn’t been updated on name yet, it turned out.)

so now like, all the friends i consider myself close to know; anyone else can learn on Facebook in a few months. and my name’s updated at my school too.

and it is glorious. i feel free. i feel alive, and hopeful for the future. thinking about my future.

i came out to my immediate family in July last year, so it’s been about seven months. in that time, my immediate family has gotten really good at using the right name. pronouns are still hit or miss (from my parents anyways; siblings are better) but i expect they’ll get better with time. and also the name thing feels so so good.

next month my paternal grandma and aunt may be visiting. if they do, i’ll come out then; similarly to when my mom’s side of the family visited at christmas, i don’t want my immediate family to go back to using my old name just to preserve the closet. my aunt has expressed support of a trans student of hers in the past, so i think she’ll be cool. i don’t know about my grandma, but even if she’s disapproving... the entire rest of my family supports me. and i am just... really thankful for that right now.

i always felt like my gender dysphoria was mostly about my chest, and that i got gender euphoria from ppl using the correct name/pronouns. and that’s probably mostly accurate, but... ever since i came out to more and more people, the impact of the chest dysphoria was less and less. i still want top surgery but i only occasionally wear a binder because ik long term use isn’t great and i don’t feel the need to bind, usually.

so, i’m not sure anymore. did i have social dysphoria after all, an invisible burden that has since lifted and left me feeling so so light? did the easing of the social dysphoria also ease the chest dysphoria? or is the gender euphoria just boosting my mental health generally, which also means i’m feeling less dysphoric? i don’t know but it’s a wonderful feeling.

Comments

[orangerful]

A lot to think about at the end there, but I'm glad those deep thoughts are coming from positive experiences. :) Congratulations!