today's mood

[graveexcitement]

today's mood is: desperately wanting to be masculine and gay*, but feeling alienated by a (objectively quite nice) photoset showcasing the intimacy of queer cis men

like, i want that, i want to be that, i can't imagine being that. i want to be masc but i can't imagine it. there's this canyon between me and the masculinity i crave and i don't know how to cross it; and at the end of the day i don't even want to be a cis guy myself. i crave masculinity but i don't want to be like, A Traditionally Masculine Dude. like god imagine a stranger looking at me and thinking i'm straight. no thanks dude.

*i'm pan but with a preference for dudes and sometimes when i'm having Gender Feelings that preference is amped up to 11

anyways i've been thinking about potentially taking steps to go on T. been thinking about it for months. i think the effect i'm most on the fence about is facial hair; sometimes i think i might like it but i'm not sure. most other effects i feel positively about (or am willing to put up with, like increased oiliness and acne bc second puberty). so... idk. am thinking about it!

but i should probably shelve those thoughts for now and do my assigned readings for class tomorrow :p

Comments

[orangerful]

Wish I had something helpful to say, lots of big, personal thoughts and decisions here. Do you have any friends in the pan community to talk to?

Hope you were able to get your readings done. :)

[graveexcitement]

thank you! yes, i have some pan and trans friends (i'm not really concerned about the sexuality thing, i'm comfortable being pan with a preference for dudes), and i have been asking my trans men friends about their experiences with T.

i did get my readings done, and they were interesting! thank you c:

[acequeenking]

Not sure if it would help, but I know snapchat has a "gender swap" filter if you want to see an idea of what you might look like on T (obviously it's not perfect - it's a snap chat filter. But it takes like three seconds, and using it I found out that I would like almost exactly like my male cousin on my mother's side lmfao).

Much love and hope you can find what brings you happiness, whatsoever your choice. :)

[graveexcitement]

yeah, i've messed around with snapchat's gender swap feature, which always tries to make my hair short (which is silly) and gives me a bit of stubble and a stronger/wider jawline.

i realized after some thought that "how i look on T" is only part of my concern -- i'm also concerned/curious about what growing facial hair would *feel* like, from a sensory perspective. so i guess that's something to start asking ppl who grow facial hair xP