today's mood

today's mood is: desperately wanting to be masculine and gay*, but feeling alienated by a (objectively quite nice) photoset showcasing the intimacy of queer cis men

like, i want that, i want to be that, i can't imagine being that. i want to be masc but i can't imagine it. there's this canyon between me and the masculinity i crave and i don't know how to cross it; and at the end of the day i don't even want to be a cis guy myself. i crave masculinity but i don't want to be like, A Traditionally Masculine Dude. like god imagine a stranger looking at me and thinking i'm straight. no thanks dude.

*i'm pan but with a preference for dudes and sometimes when i'm having Gender Feelings that preference is amped up to 11

anyways i've been thinking about potentially taking steps to go on T. been thinking about it for months. i think the effect i'm most on the fence about is facial hair; sometimes i think i might like it but i'm not sure. most other effects i feel positively about (or am willing to put up with, like increased oiliness and acne bc second puberty). so... idk. am thinking about it!

but i should probably shelve those thoughts for now and do my assigned readings for class tomorrow :p