book guilt

i don't know what happened, or when, but somewhere along the way i managed to half-fuck myself up about one of the joys i thought i could always rely on: books.

basically it goes like this: i get a new book. whether it's lent, gifted, or bought. (not borrowed from library, unfortunately, but that's a different issue that has more to do with "habit" and "not leaving the house.") i'm pleased to have this new book and excited to read it.

now, one of two things generally happens here. option 1, i'm so excited, i sit down with the book right away, and it's my companion for as long as it takes to read it. that's all well and good. that's what i used to do with books a lot more, when i was a kid.

or, option 2. i'm excited to read the book, but maybe i'm reading a different book first, or playing a game, or doing schoolwork, whatever. or maybe i did start it, but i got distracted, or something in the book was mildly embarrassing so i put it down for a moment and haven't gotten back to it yet. so i don't read the book yet, but that's all right, isn't it? only i forget i've got the new book, and i'll go read some fanfic instead, but that's still fine. it's not like the book's going anywhere. i can read it at my leisure, and i'm sure i'll enjoy it whenever i get around to it.

but somewhere along the way in the path of option 2, probably a few weeks in, maybe a few months, i have the thought: "oh, hey. why haven't i read that book yet?" and i can find no good reason, so i think: "i should have read that book by now."

and that's what does it. that's what gets me, because as soon as i think that, i start feeling guilt that i haven't read it yet. and coupled with that guilt is anxiety. and as soon as that comes in, i shy away from the topic - because if i'm feeling anxious, i'm avoiding the subject of the anxiety - and even if i'm carrying that book in my backpack so i can read it wherever i go, it might as well be buried at the back of my closet.

the effect is worse, of course, if it's a book i was gifted, and three times worse if it's something someone picked out for me, and not just bought off my wishlist. that guilt lingers, when i let myself remember it.

yesterday i bought 4 books because i had some unused barnes & noble gift cards from christmas. and so far i've sat down and read 2 of them. and it was easy, so easy, because none of that guilt has built up yet. i just sat down and read them like i was still a person who regularly reads books and not just fanfic all the time. (to be fair to myself: i do regularly read novel-length or longer fanfics. it's not that i don't read, but... i do feel bad/weird/wrong about not reading enough books. which i guess is also maybe the source of the problem.)

or, hell, maybe it's just depression. i sure as hell didn't read much in April and the first half of May, aside from Mo Dao Zu Shi and associated fanfic. and i've had depression/anxiety creep up on me in the latter half of this semester. which is incidentally why i've barely posted anything.

so... i don't know, i think when i started writing this i wanted to try and give myself Book Amnesty, forgiving myself for not having read a bunch of the books in my possession yet, including ones that were gifted to me. but i'm just... i'm tired. easier to go back to my room and lie down and read fanfic or maybe watch youtube, or take a nap. none of those require me to confront whatever bit of my psyche got anxious about books. and maybe if i ignore it, it'll go away when i'm less generally stressed/anxious.

in other news, semester's over on Thursday, one way or another, thank god. not taking any summer classes. might not even be taking any fall classes.

i'm sure the cramps that are just now kicking in are not helping my current mental state, either. i have my final group research project for world lit due tomorrow afternoon. i have about 20 hours til then, so i'm going to take a nap to try and recoup lost sleeping hours.

P.S. one of the books i read this weekend was The Raven Tower, by Ann Leckie. lots of v interesting stuff about gods, and i loved having a trans masc protag. i'm also down for 2nd person as a tried and true homestuck. so i enjoyed it.